For Better or For Worse, Here We Go…

A little over one week ago, I flew to DC to publicly present the Moral Lens Framework for the Perpetuation of Sexual Violence; my own conceptual framework for understanding how religion, purity culture, gender, and shame intersect to perpetuate sexual violence, for the very first time. Here's what that trip actually looked like from the inside.

Before I Even Walked In

I sat on the plane in Mobile, AL looking out the window before takeoff and simply could not believe I was there. The engines rumbled, that distinctive airplane smell permeated the plane, and I was acutely aware there was little room for my legs. My thoughts kept running back to same old line. “I cannot believe I am doing this.” I couldn’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact it was me, of all people, sitting on that plane. There were so many small sensory moments like that throughout the trip…checking in to get my badge, finding the conference room where I'd be presenting early so my nerves would settle, and people watching to see who might be coming to hear what I was going to share. Just know I took pictures of every sign, every magazine, every door hanger that had my picture or my name on it! If this wasn’t a dream, I was going to have proof.

I had been to conferences before but never as a presenter. There was so much excitement mixed with nervousness, imposter syndrome, and honestly, wondering whether I belonged there at all.

Over the past decade of working with those who have experienced domestic violence and sexual assault, I kept seeing the same patterns show up, again and again, around religion, purity, gender shame, and survivor blame. Those observations eventually became the presentation; the very one I was about to give. I developed the Moral Lens Framework to give language to the patterns I kept recognizing.

This subject means so much to me because survivors aren't only dealing with the trauma of what happened to them. They're also dealing with what they were taught that violence means about them. Shame, faith, family, community, belonging, sexuality, worth, forgiveness; all of it carries weight inside faith-based communities. There's a real difference between treating trauma symptoms and actually understanding the culture and religious context surrounding that trauma. That difference matters and affect survivors in important ways.

For example, a survivor raised to believe that "purity" was her responsibility to protect might spend years believing the violence was proof she failed at something, rather than proof someone chose to hurt her. The Moral Lens Framework names that shift for what it is: not a personal failing, but a belief system doing exactly what it was built to do.

Walking Into the Room

I was so grateful to know a couple of people in the room; one from the former agency I'd worked at, and my partner who'd come with me. I walked in nervous. Then I watched people arrive. And more people. And more, until it was standing room only!

There was a hiccup with the slide deck, and the tech support assigned to help me couldn't get it sorted, which, oddly, helped settle my nerves. Dealing with that small crisis gave me somewhere to park my nerves. To say I was nervous would be a complete understatement. I looked out at the room and thought, “Oh my gosh, I am actually doing this. For better or for worse, here we go!”

I do want to share that before all of this, I'd been carrying the pressure of needing everything to be perfect, making sure I shared everything that attendees needed to know, and not wanting anyone to miss a single thing. That pressure was exhausting!

Then, the night before the presentation, I had an “aha” moment: I'm someone who leans on humor. A LOT. So, I decided I was just going to be me. I delivered it the only way I really could; with humor, with connection, with authenticity. And that's exactly what I did. Isn’t it interesting that the people we think “should” have it all together, or look like they do, can be just as nervous or unsettled as we are?

What I Didn't Expect

What surprised me most was how many people told me it gave them language they'd been missing; language to address what they see in their clients, or what they themselves had lived through. Some had heard pieces of the framework before as it does draw on other theories, but never presented quite this way. I have also been very surprised at how many people have reached out to me to learn more, hear more, or know more.

When I started this trip to DC, I wondered whether I was even qualified to present the information I had. I came home knowing there's a genuine need for this framework. It was the first time I'd ever presented it publicly. And I learned something in the process: we don't have to claim to be experts to have something meaningful to contribute; no matter how much alphabet soup we carry behind our names.

What Comes Next

This trip expanded my sense of who I am and what I have to offer. Understanding how religious trauma and culturally reinforced shame are connected shapes the way I work with survivors.

I plan to keep developing the Moral Lens Framework, and I hope to get it published. I'd also like to offer training and education around sexual violence in religious communities to others in the field.

I want to thank everyone who supported me in getting there, and everyone who encouraged me to do it in the first place. I'm so honored by the attendees who trusted me with their stories afterward, and who reminded me that these ideas ultimately grew from years of listening to survivors.

I thought I was traveling to DC to give a presentation. I came home with a clear understanding of the work I want to spend the next chapter of my life doing.

If any part of this feels familiar, if you've ever had to untangle what your faith taught you from what actually happened to you, please know you're not alone in that, and you don't have to do it without support. That's the work I want to keep doing, with the people who are ready for it. If you're one of them, I'd love to hear from you.